If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
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when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
Today, I want to talk about underperforming continents. Antarctica, explain yourself.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
REASONS FOR MY SCARS:
1. Bitten by a crocodile while rescuing orphans.
2. Bitten by an angry tiger.
3. Beaten up for lying**By a massive crocodile
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
I would love to watch a documentary about my life, because I am VERY confused
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports