if i had a bf i’d be a gf
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Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
Sure, I have a talent for shirking, but it’s not like I didn’t have to work at it too.
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
Oh deer
