If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
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When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
😭😭😭😭
If you sleep naked, you shower in your pajamas send tweet
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
Art by Pastelkatto
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
I don’t think I will be asked to make a curry again 🤣🤣🤣
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture