Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m so lonely.

ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.

I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle

“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”

*sandwiches

When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?

I went to the hardware store to buy a weedeater. There were 3 gas-powered, an electric, and a vegan who offered to eat the whole yard for $20.

I’ve shouted so much sporting advice from my sofa already this summer. It’s very tiring but hopefully it’s helping.

Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.

Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.

Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel

Her: That’s so sweet, I-

Green Day is overrated

Her:

Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …

Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!

Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]

If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.

I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of

My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?

We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.

Or at least I am.

Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb

Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.

How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face

RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job

Hot Girl: Hey, u single?

Me: I am.

HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?

*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*

[First Day As A Director]

Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*

In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume

Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.

Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that

The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective

It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”

Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.

I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god

Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.

[playing guitar in hotel lounge]

Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?

Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?