Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.

I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.

KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good

In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.

Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.

nature’s most graceful animal

One could argue in court that “i’m coming for you” has at least two different possible meanings

When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.

It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.

You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?

Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.

[guy about to invent monopoly]

*looking at friends* i have too many of these

“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police

So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.

My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.

Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.

Her: Oh no.

Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.

Her: You already do that.

People who put jam AND marmalade on toast are polyjamorous.

Bird: Good morning! How are you?

Me: Oh my God! You can talk!

Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.

Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.

Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.

9yo: have you heard the song “I like big butts and I cannot lie”?

me: yes, but that song is inappropriate.

9yo: oh… so I should lie?

A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.

“This was a better idea on papyrus”

FRIEND: so how are you?

ME: I’m well, thanks!

FRIEND: what’s new?

ME: not much!

FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?

ME: why are you doing this to me

The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.

You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.

Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭

My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.

I’m voting [cheers] for a third party candidate [boos] in a blue state [mixed response] in the chalamet lookalike contest [quizzical looks]

i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”

my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does

I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.