Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.

Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.

Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”

Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.

Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.

I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find

Feel. He’s so soft.

“You could have done so much better than him.”

Me: Mom, I’m right here.

socratic questions

Anyone else having a near life experience today?

I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.

Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.

I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”

I’m so hungry I could eat an apple

The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist

I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive

If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.

Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.

I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.

Husband: *bleeding*

Me: *calling 911*

Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.

COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.

Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.

Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.

[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”

Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??

My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting

*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble

(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)

Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.