If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
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ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
paramedic: [shining light into my eyes] what’s the last thing you remember
me: the question you just asked
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
Two words have helped me open a lot of doors in my life. Push and Pull.
I basically called this earlier today
Had a spot of bother earlier.
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
So disappointed. I was unable to witness the awesome spectacle of the Perseid meteor shower in the middle of the night because unfortunately the view in my location was totally obscured by a thick layer of bedroom.
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*