Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.

[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”

Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.

Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.

Her: What if there’s lightning?

Me: Then you get to be on top…

Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?

Technically, all restaurants are drive-thru it just depends how committed to the task you are.

When taking your driving test:

1. Fasten seatbelt.
2. Adjust rear view mirror.
3. Ask examiner if he dropped 20 dollars on the floor, you’re quite sure it isn’t yours.

pirate: walk the plank

me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol

pirate: *drops sword* dad?

Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*

My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.

Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done

Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon

I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.

Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.

I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.

Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.

“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”

Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop

5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?

Me: come on man it‘s the weekend

Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.

superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling

batman: dude, you can fly…

superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder

batman: what

I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now

Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.

Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?

writer: you know how cats chase mice?

producer: yea?

writer: this one has a twist

producer: *leaning back* go on

writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat

producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!

writer: i call it tom & jerry

producer: *wiping tears* those are my names

[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet

4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff

Me: But you don’t have any more money

4: That’s okay, we can use your money

dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume

*on walkie-talkies

Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically

Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.

Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”