If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
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My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
A classic spooky scribbles now in color 🧙♀️
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
It must be so weird to be straight or gay.. like ur just not attracted to half of hot people?
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
Oscar Wilde: “be yourself, everyone else is already taken”
Liam Neeson: *cracks knuckles*
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
ＨＵＭＡＮ
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller