If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
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*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
Text messages from my mum read like they are from a hit man.
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
went to the frame shop. as I waited in dread to hear what it would cost, I closed my eyes and thought of a ridiculously high number and fixated on it so the real number, whatever it was, would come as a relief. but the real number was A HUNDRED DOLLARS HIGHER
If you love someone set them free? Girl, I can’t even get rid of the 257 plastic bags under my sink.
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*