Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off

spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining

Genie: you have three wishes.

Me: i want a million wishes.

Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!

The kid next to me on the flight sang we don’t talk about bruno pretty much the entire time and had the audacity to keep calling me mom

My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.

There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.

[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]

supermarket employee: can I help you find something?

me: oh no…I’m not shopping. I’m just here for the music

I just saw my husband get into the car and drive away to go to work. He was not wearing a shirt. I don’t know if he knows that.

[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys

A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story

It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.

only targaryens can ride dragons?

explain this game of thrones

I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.

My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.

Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.

[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?

ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.

i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey

So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?

“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*

dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume

“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”

I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.

Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money

Me: please, I have a family

Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you

Me: but I have a family

Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?

Me: more than anything

fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank

[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.

My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.

Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?

i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii