If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
You Might Also Like
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
joined a counterstrike game and no one was talking. second round i randomly meowed and a guy with the username “dog”, with a profile picture of a dog, called a vote kick and i was gone within 5 seconds. wtf lmao
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
…żyje?
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins