Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.

One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.

Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.

My Mom: you just have to poop.

Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.

My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.

If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.

cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.

Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.

Travel bloggers during quarantine

Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.

Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.

I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.

My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.

Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life

some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob

Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.

Friend: For Halloween?

Me: For what?

Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?

Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?

Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.

Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.

Basically.

97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.

I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.

Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.

*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!

*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*

My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:

“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”

WINDOWS: update? 🙂

ME: I can’t

WINDOWS: later? 🙂

ME: I don’t know if I—

WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂

ME: fine, later tho

WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂

Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:

*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on

Babies crying everywhere

Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.

I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.