If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
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Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
I’m sorry about your blouse but you really shouldn’t tell people you have cat-like reflexes and think they won’t try and prove it, so again, this one is on you.