If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
You Might Also Like
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
Simple
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
“Are you ready to apologize to your sister yet?”
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
Me: It’s time to get ready for school.
Kid: UUUGGGGHHH NOOO WHYYYY?!?
Me: Dude, this shouldn’t come as a surprise. You’ve been doing this every day for 10 years now.
[6 hours later]
Kid: What are we having for dinner?
Me: UUUGGGGHHH NOOO WHYYYY?!
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
I did not eat the cake…
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED