If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
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Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
I SAID YES!!!!!! 💍🥂🥳🎉 i asked myself if i wanted a breakfast burrito.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
Friday the 13th used to mean something. Now every day is awful.
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic