[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
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Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.