@shadonium

If I had a dollar every time my phone’s battery dies, I

You Might Also Like

@myonlymizztake

Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.

@nice_mustard

“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”

@markedly

Cop: why were you speeding

Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me

@Darlainky

The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.

@JohnHilsen

Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.

@TheTweetOfGod

Next time, instead of complaining about how bad you have it, think about other people, and how to make things bad for them.

@YoungNobler

These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.

@GawdOffalTweets

Gwyneth Paltrow: does this smell “off” to you?

Me: how can I trust you anymore

@juliabailz

shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM