@shadonium

If I had a dollar every time my phone’s battery dies, I

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@twelveoclocke

It’s impossible to buy a baguette & carry it home without feeling like an actor who is playing the role of Person Coming Home From The Store

@SteveDutzy

Not now, kids.

Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet

@LeonEarlgrey

Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.

@Mirimade

Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!

Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.

Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?

@Ms_WhateverV

Kids….because who doesn’t enjoy a fun game of “What the hell is that smell and whose room is it coming from?”

@QwertyJones3

[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..

@MrGeorgeWallace

You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.