ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
If I had a dollar every time my phone’s battery dies, I
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It’s impossible to buy a baguette & carry it home without feeling like an actor who is playing the role of Person Coming Home From The Store
“Does this leaf make me look fat?” – Eve.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
Kids….because who doesn’t enjoy a fun game of “What the hell is that smell and whose room is it coming from?”
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.