If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
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People reporting the royal family to the police for living suspiciously lavish lives without a job or any work to show for it is exactly what I needed to hear today!😂🤣😂😅🤣🙊🤭😂😂🤣😅🤣😂😅🥲🤣😂😅🤭🙊🥲🤣🤣😂👏👏👏👏
#Grifters
#AbolishTheMonarchy
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
What kind of a cult is this?
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
Don’t talk down to me
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
The principal (who is retiring next week) emailed us all to “remind” us that we aren’t supposed to show movies. There’s 7 days left. Who does she think she’s kidding
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.