If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
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Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
My roommate is looking for a summer subletter and a dad responded on his nineteen year old son’s behalf.
He described his son as “very mature”.
Sir, if you are figuring out your adult son’s roommate situation for him, he is not “very mature”.
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.