Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!

Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.

I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?

So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe

I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?

~ me 30 minutes into dieting

Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car

The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans

*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT

but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME

Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.

In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned

I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.

*first day as mall Santa

“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”

I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.

whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know

I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.

Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
.
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes

My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.

My husband: Get used to it kid.

Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.

Daughter: dada what are you watching?

Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.

Son: what’s it about?

Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.

[later]

Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?

Me: no idea lol.

Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.

“you live and you learn” brother I don’t want to do either of those things

Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.

I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.

I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.

If wrestling is “fake” then explain this

LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied

-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!

Victorian Era YouTube comments

When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”

Me:

I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.