If I had a dollar for every time a first-time pregnant woman looked me in the face and told me she could tell that her baby was gonna have a “chill personality,” I could buy you a Subway™️ sandwich. Not one of the cheap ones either, one of the limited series.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
Husband made a meme about our baby’s reaction every time he sees the cat
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
Calm down shouty man. I didn’t “tell” my toddler to throw chicken nuggets at joggers. She did it herself.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
