Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..

Her: Yes I did.

Me: No you didn’t.

Her: Yes I did.

Me: Oh you’re good!

If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?

I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.

This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen

Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.

I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.

I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…

lacktoes intolerant

*opens another beer*

I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey

*cough*

Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?

Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last

*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”

To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.

I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.

Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????

*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.

[in HR]

We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”

I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.

“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”

aaaaand….now I’m bald.

it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind

I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.

Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.

I get badly burnt by the sun, hate garlic and can be killed by a wooden stake through the heart. I wonder if there is something my uncle Vlad never told me.

I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.

What’s the different between Black Eyed Peas and Chick Peas?

Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song.

Chick Peas can hummus one.

“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”

Who?

“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”

-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having

waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg

It isn’t a real party unless some drunken idiot makes a fool of themselves by walking face first into a closed glass sliding door.

I’m fine by the way.

You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?

ME: my mouth is all itchy

HER: were you in the attic again?

ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?

HER: I’ll speed dial poison control

Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.