Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.

My husband asked if anyone had to use the bathroom as we approached a rest stop on the interstate. When everyone said no, he responded, “Speak now or forever hold your pee” and made some dad out there proud.

Most people quit when their ahead

Then there’s me

Hi

5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints

haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in

I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”

that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans

Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”

Wrong answers only

Answer: Marriage

I didn’t have time to change clothes before a surprise business meeting so I had to meet with them dressed in jeans & a t shirt with a flying saucer on the front with “I want to leave” in big letters under it. (Everyone else wore a suit.) It went fine but I’m still laughing.

What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??

If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner

*romantically grabs husband’s face*

I will NEVER stop eating your fries.

I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭

[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.

Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!

My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.

Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.

Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here

asking my bank if i can do extra credit

Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?

Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?

Me: I think we should see other people.

Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy

Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!

Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday.  When we spoke they’d

It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.

A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.

7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside

ME: [explains daylight savings time]

7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.

if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?

my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids

me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.

Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.

#oldknees

By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers