If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
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[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
Quadruple digit IQ
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…