If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
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[marriage counsellor looking at me after my wife is done speaking] why do you want to be on the masked singer so badly?
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
Napped wrong, so if you need me, I’ll be turning at the waist to look around like I’m 1989 Batman.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
I asked my grandma if she had a hard time moving to nyc from Poland as a teen & going to hs in bk knowing 0 English, & if ppl didn’t wanna be friends w her, etc. & she held my shoulder & looked me in the eyes & said, Austyn. I was gorgeous. Everyone wanted to be my friend
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
I told my son to do something, and he gave me that ugh attitude. My daughter looked at him, “THIRTY SIX hours!” To remind him how long I was in labor with him lmao
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji