Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
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*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.