Nancy Grace just called pot smokers “fat and lazy”. Right. Unlike the buff marathon runners home 4 o’clock on a Monday watching your show.
If I had a dollar for every time I was wrong, I’d be incredibly broke.
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i feel disrespected by the shift in candy size naming from “king size” to “sharing size”. i don’t share candy. im the king
next pandemic is it okay if we do science right off the bat
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
A refrigerator door ice dispenser that doesn’t doesn’t shoot the ice everywhere but in the glass you’re holding.
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
JACOB MARLEY: 3 ghosts will visit you!
ME: do u count?
ME: you’re a ghost. Do u count?
JM: dude this the kinda shit they don’t like
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute