If I had a dollar for every time I was wrong, I’d be incredibly broke.

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Nancy Grace just called pot smokers “fat and lazy”. Right. Unlike the buff marathon runners home 4 o’clock on a Monday watching your show.


i feel disrespected by the shift in candy size naming from “king size” to “sharing size”. i don’t share candy. im the king


next pandemic is it okay if we do science right off the bat


Invention Idea:

A refrigerator door ice dispenser that doesn’t doesn’t shoot the ice everywhere but in the glass you’re holding.


BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber

ME: i’m not sure how to take that

BANK TELLER: exactly


JACOB MARLEY: 3 ghosts will visit you!
ME: do u count?
JM: what
ME: you’re a ghost. Do u count?
JM: dude this the kinda shit they don’t like


Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.


Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras


Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute