Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t call myself pesky for nothing

Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!

Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about

i could never be president. im overqualified.

Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.

Last night I served this couple and I said “hey how are you ladies tonight?” And one said “we are great thanks” and in the thickest Jamaican accent her girlfriend stopped her and said “dont tell her I’m good. I’m never good. I’m awful. I need food immediately” obsessed with her

My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard. 

It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.

[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON

Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.

never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children

If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.

There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.

that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say

Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.

Everyone else time travelling: *preventing wars or the spread of disease*

Me: *buys multiple pairs of my favorite shoes they’ve stopped making*

10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher

My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.

Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.

I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.

PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.

I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.

Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.

Professor: most of you won’t pass this course

Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job

why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits

Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.

BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees

Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.

there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples

im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s