Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.

I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.

the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants

My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.

It was me.

ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?

My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.

Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!

Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good

Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.

[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account

Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.

People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.

Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale

Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.

Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.

Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.

I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.

The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.

My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.

[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”

[Breaking up]

It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.

No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.

Waiter: May I recommend the steak?

Dracula: You may not

You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.

Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.

My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.

Genie: One wish left

Me: I wish I was cool

Genie: Your wish is granted

⛄️: Wait not like this

The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.

Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older

We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”

Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed

*my kid walks in*

Me: I see you’re a liar

Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships

SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?

ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.