If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
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*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
“sandwich” please this thing cost me $18 it’s a “handheld”
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
You know when you tap the You Tube video to see how much longer it has left…I wish I can do that with people when they are talking to me
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
It’s an epidemic…
new year update: losing everything but weight
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
No one told me my biggest parenting challenge would be to not eat the cake I left in the fridge for the kids, but here we are.
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?