Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related

You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.

Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you

*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW

[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]

Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—

Real mother: get out.

[credits roll]

Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes

Why did the dragon cross the road, ….to go buy a lair freshener🌲

Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car

My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.

Who.
Did.
This?

Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.

The elephant is my spirit animal.

1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms

Some good places you can stay for free:
In your own lane
Out of my business

Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best

anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot

MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.

[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]

[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”

VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”

I’m going to need a moment here.

10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades

Me: Cool

Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor

Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud

I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.

During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded

Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?

-Asking for a friend.

Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another

Cop: why’d you do it?

Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.

Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?

Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.

Choose your fighter

boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.

me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?

Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.

You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices

Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!

Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*

Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.