If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
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toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
This is what happens when people grow up without watching Final Destination.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
Natural selection at its finest
Accidentally saying Yes I would like a receipt and having to wait half an hour while the kiln is heated and the tablet is fired
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
Captain America taught me that I just need to take performance enhancing drugs to be loved by everyone
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap