Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Calling them ‘orcas who capsize boats’ is fine, but I just feel calling them Keeler Whales would be so much better

I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.

dog: [brings sticks inside]

me: no that belongs outside

me, at Christmas time: [brings entire tree inside]

dog: what the actual shit is this

Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off

I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.

Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?

Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.

Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.

I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie

Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?

Me: I thought it was a carnival

Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻

Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game

Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac

Me: I’m over it

[halftime, 2 beers later]

TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶

Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?

[interview]

Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?

Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”

Yes, this is exactly right

If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.

[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”

If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.

[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman

For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident

3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.

3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed

Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*

About to watch Tenet for the first time and I enjoyed it

Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir

I’m a bad bitch. Truly exceptional at being bad at everything.

There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.

[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.

My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”

Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.

earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that

supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese

me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese