Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.

The odds were against me.

Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this

Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.

It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.

If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.

Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.

[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop

“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.

Looking forward to Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck getting back together again in 2044.

If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.

When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?

[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]

Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.

After kids: My mind is a steel colander.

If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.

(Treehouse)

Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*

Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.

Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.

Me: Lord of the Rings.

Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.

Me: then why does it have elves?

Wife:

Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.

The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.

Me: *Trying to let go of the past and live in the present.*

iPhone: Here are 20 slideshows of people who ruined your life.

You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.

[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]

ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*

The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem

[after a plane crash]

Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/

In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.

I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.

I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.

I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.

Plants are ALIVE, vegans.

You disgust me.

I hate people who make grandma mistakes.

“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”

*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*

I know what I said.

I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.

wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you

me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife

wife: on your coke though?

Brother?

[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.