If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
You Might Also Like
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.