Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times

“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers

if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way

[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality

when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path

Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.

To all the people who blocked me and can see my tweets I want to say that making your own chicken, beef, and seafood stock is a rewarding experience. They can be used for more than bases for soups but as a flavor booster in many recipes and can take your cooking to another level

I may appear calm on the outside…

…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.

Magazines are for your self esteem.

-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.

BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.

Why spend money on a paper shredder?

Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.

“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69 

Sure, I have a talent for shirking, but it’s not like I didn’t have to work at it too.

$4 #usedbooks

Whoever came up with “penny for your thoughts,” “don’t nickel and dime me,” and “another day another dollar” sure knew how to coin a phrase.

Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.

Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?

Me: Not to you

Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.

So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend

Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.

Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.

“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth

Yes 😂

If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.

“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.

I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.

I ran 5 miles this morning. That bee was huge!

My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.

The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash

Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.

When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.

10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute

me: *laughs in dial-up*