If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
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What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
So sorry
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
I want what they have
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If I had a time machine, I’d go back and tell the Vikings that ‘MmmBop’ was a war cry.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google