If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
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Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
God tier horse name today on the sims
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
Boss I didn’t win Powerball please ignore previous text. I WILL be in today & everybody should NOT get fucked
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.