If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
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Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 32nd time.
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
Flex on your dentist by asking if they’re free on a random Tuesday 6 months from now
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the grenade launcher.
casually asking “how do you think you’d do as a pole vaulter” on a first date