If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
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[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
Average Home Depot experience: 19 year old needs to page the store manager to ask which aisle the light bulbs are in
Average Ace Hardware experience: 79 year old walks you through every aisle of the store and after 4 hours you know how to build a house from the ground up
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
Rooting for the overdog
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.