Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yoda: *dies and fades away*

Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.

Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.

No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.

I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.

I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.

robber: gimme your money

me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents

my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies

My bro was laid off from his job as an art director for one of the largest high end retail stores in the nation. I mean, totally sucks for him, but with the job is the loss of his 33% discount. I’m sure you can understand that this is a very difficult time of mourning for me.

Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total

Hey
@Boeing
, my neighbor Gary that mows at 8 am, is saying a lot of bad things about your company. DM me for address.

Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”

Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”

nobody:
ppl with clear cases:

If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.

Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.

My New Year’s resolutions:

1. Stop making lists.

B. Be more consistent.

7. Learn to count.

Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.

Date: What are you thinking about?

Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich

My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally

You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”

Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.

My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat

A minute, 45 seconds.

How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.

Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.

Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.

Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.

My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:

-Why is your face melting?

-Why do you make your face look evil?

-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?

I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming

[Date]

Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs

My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call

Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.

the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds

I used to be afraid of death by spontaneous combustion until my wife reminded me I’ve never done anything spontaneous in my life.

I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…

For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…