If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
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I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
Fish must think we look so weird with both eyes on the front of our face.
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
The reason I don’t trust polls is because the people being polled are people who willingly answer the phone when an unknown number is calling them
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
Next time someone slides into your dm asking for a pic send a pic of your bills
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Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
No, I haven’t seen any dogs
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.