Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before crowbars crows drank alone

I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?

[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda

Someone once threw some herbs in my eyes. It didn’t blind me but I’m now parsley sighted.

You heard.

[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]

*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go

[2 seconds later]

*lets go*

*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.

There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.

A baby bear catches snowflakes.

If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.

Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.

Me: you’ll be in school until 2035

My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number

Me: maybe even longer

love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments

If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong

Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.

I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.

[dies and goes to hell]

Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake

Me: oh thank god-

Satan: you should be in super hell

Me: oh no

If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?

I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.

my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run

me: *nodding* no more running, got it

13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma

Dear axe body spray,

Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.

Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.

I see dead people.

Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.

My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.

i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table

There’s a word in modern Hungarian slang, egérmozi, which describes watching films (or shows) on your phone. It means “mouse cinema”

COP: Know why I stopped you?

“Drag racing?”

COP: Nope.

“Speeding?”

COP: Definitely not.

“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”

COP: That’s the one.

WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.

If my trainee says “on God” one more time, he’s going to meet him

Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?

Me: a black swirling pit of despair

Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat

Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?