If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
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Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
Boss: What are you working on?
Me: Nothing. It’s Friday.
Boss:
Me:
Boss:
Me: I meant omg so much stuff.
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.