If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
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My hips? Compulsive liars.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
shit just got real
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
I stopped a man on the street to give me directions and he politely asked ”you want to go somewhere?”. I have to admit I hesitated for a bit
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
Me: This is the worst day of my life.
Her: Really?
Me: *pulls out a spreadsheet ranking every day of my life so far to prove it*
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka