@claudefacade

If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.

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@IamEnidColeslaw

Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”

@KentWGraham

Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.

@johnbiehl

Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?

Human: we are an advanced species

A: how do you travel?

H: we light old dinosaurs on fire

@Shenaniglenns

Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?

Executioner: Ugh the WORST

@DamienFahey

If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.

@NightTraumaDoc

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

@matt_simpson84

My wife and I have an ongoing game called “Wipe Boogers on Stuff in the House” that she doesn’t know we are playing

@FunnyIsFamily

My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”

@Smartticisms

Apparently champagne is the easiest alcohol to digest, so I’m going to consume several bottles to wash down my salad.

@AnOrangeSNES

Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy