If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
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If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.