If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.

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Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”


Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.


Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?

Human: we are an advanced species

A: how do you travel?

H: we light old dinosaurs on fire


Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?

Executioner: Ugh the WORST


If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.


Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?


My wife and I have an ongoing game called “Wipe Boogers on Stuff in the House” that she doesn’t know we are playing


My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”


Apparently champagne is the easiest alcohol to digest, so I’m going to consume several bottles to wash down my salad.


Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy