If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
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My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
Yesterday our friend couldn’t make it tho the bar so instead of canceling they sent one of their other friends, which none of us have ever met, to replace them. You can do that? We are allowed to send in substitutes???
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
felt cute might bury dad later idk
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.