Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: it’s time to go

Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is

doctor: why do you think you need this medication?

me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome

The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.

If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.

Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.

You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.

I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.

*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*

Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve

Eve: it’s tomorrow

Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve

Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.

We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.

My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.

I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.

spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower

Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.

I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.

My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.

Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee

Did you know?

A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.

And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.

Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT

“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI show up drunk on Fridays and sexually harass my coworkers

being depressed is funny because tons of movies stop making sense. like why is that guy trying so hard to stay alive. i cannot suspend disbelief

NEW LAUNDRY RULES!

1. IF IT COMES TO ME INSIDE OUT, YOU GET IT BACK INSIDE OUT!

2. IF IT COMES TO ME RUMPLED IN A BALL, YOU GET IT BACK RUMPLED IN A BALL!

3. IF IT COMES TO ME WITH $20 IN THE POCKET, OK ACTUALLY I’M KEEPING THAT.

*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”

*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*

Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period

[christmas break with my extended family]

*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!

Jesus loves you.

But only as a friend.

Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.

if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important

wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry