If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
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My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
Sex is great, but have you ever started slowly picking up speed after sitting in a traffic jam?
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week