If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
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I’m not saying my 6yo is dramatic, I’m just saying we heard a severe thunderstorm warning on the car radio, and he groaned and said ugh why does my day keep getting worse
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
Um … Hot Wings please
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
Just realized that the baby is almost 20 years old so it’s probably time I stop saying I need to lose the baby weight.
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
i don’t get to travel very often but every time i do i really get to thinking: did anthony bourdain just have diarrhea for like 9 months of the year
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.