Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.

I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.

Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.

Inspirational tweet.

I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.

Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days

I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.

Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.

There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.

Two elderly British ladies greeting each other

While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.

Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed

Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?

Me: finding the will to get up

Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.

If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.

i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him

Mario Kart:

1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife

there’s music for literally every activity

I secretly judge Kamala Harris for dating Montell Williams in 2001 however in 2001 I was dating Josh who I met in detention and who was going to drop out of high school if he got a skateboarding sponsorship.

Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.

*after sex, in a British accent

“Please sir, may I have some more?”

As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.

Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.

How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?

Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage

The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.

I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.

The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.

“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.

How to sleep:

1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes

My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.

*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*

Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.

1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”

2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”