if i had a frisbee team, our name would be Panic! At The Disc Throw and we would qualify for the regional finals and hi 5 the shit out of everyone
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the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
Me: I can forgive but I’ll NEVER forget
McDonald’s cashier: Again Sir, I’m sorry we left you a nugget short in your six piece meal
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
There are no pants in heaven.
If there was a cool Dem gov named Unford, and she picked him, they would by Harris/Unford.