Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically

^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats

Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.

The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction

There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.

“Don’t tread on me.”

– out-of-order sign on a treadmill

I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.

My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.

I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.

Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember

Bagged lunch circa 1984

-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”

me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?

woman holding urn full of ashes:

Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay

I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.

After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”

It was nice knowing you all.

Me: [trying to act normal]

Nearby Person: hey man are you ok

You have been warned.

*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!

When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you

The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.

[harry potter at work]

Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh

Harry: a thestral, yes

Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate

Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life

Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner

Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.

Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords

Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.

my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed

“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter

that de-escalated quickly

Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.

I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.

ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.

In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter

My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”