Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.

How do I like eggs?

Ummm…in a cake!

After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.

Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.

[restaurant]

RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg

WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?

RACCOON: t-two eggs?

WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs

RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!

WAITER: *eyes narrow*

My what?

[Grocery store checkout]

Me: *cracks open a beer*

Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here

Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this

Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here

When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time

In current news:

US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP

Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place

While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy

God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?

Lion: yes.

God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?

Lion: no why?

[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]

God: I guess I’ll delete them then.

Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!

A – absolute
D – disaster
U – usually
L – looking
T – tired

The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater

The only thing we need to bring back is duels.

Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…

Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts

Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour

Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong

Me: I haven’t started yet

Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.

Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?

[Dinner date]

I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl

“You mean tomgirl?”

Don’t talk with your mouth full.

*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…

“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”

SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.

Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me

Interviewer: a job-related weakness…

i’m sure it’s fine

Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed

If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.

LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem

“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”

[grocery store, frozen aisle]

Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
Ommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Clerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?

Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas

Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.