Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So apparently a doctor’s note doesn’t get you out of work for multiple years

I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..

Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.

Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?

In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.

The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen

pirate: walk the plank

me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol

pirate: *drops sword* dad?

Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*

*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.

This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?

My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks

If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.

when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye

ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]

ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]

ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-

ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey

*telling the bus driver to stop at the sperm bank….
“This is where I get off.”

sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze

Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.

If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.

Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division

Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.

I’d be like “vote for me and i’ll remove all the calories from cheese”…. *mic drop*

To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks

Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place

I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.

I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.

It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.

[on date]

HER: What are you doing on your phone?

ME: An update

HER: What update?

ME: Not much, what up with you?

At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.

“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”

-nobody

[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.