Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.

You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.

Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?

PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.

KID: Okay.

PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.

*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business

Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.

Classified ad:

Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.

My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…

if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich

A new level of troll.

“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”

Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?

Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?

Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.

“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome

I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.

My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.

10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.

wife: he uses food as a crutch

marriage counselor: is this true

me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe

“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”

“Son, that happens everywhere!”

I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!

The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests

The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.

i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.

My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”

Me: “Why?”

Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”

To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.

If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.

“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot

“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wife

Same