Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good

*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*

I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.

I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.

girlfriend: is crying

me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while

“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.

I wear sunglasses when I’m driving so nobody knows I’m asleep.

BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom

ME: uh yes, actually, I have

BULLY: Damn

ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone

“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”

“You mean the birds & the bees?”

“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”

[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn

I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.

Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.

[first day as a tsa agent]

me: arms up

guy: [t-pose]

me: [hugs him] you have a great flight

I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.

Produced a radio ad in the 1990s for a supermarket’s Pepsi promotion. It was the opening of the can and the pour, with v/o at the end. All very alluring and appetising. We used a can of Coke

I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.

me: i think we should make a baby

wife: do you know how expensive babies are?

me: wait, you can buy them??

4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?

Me, a Dad: Yeah???

4: …

4: MOMMY!!!

been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening

4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.

i saw “independence day” in the theater in 1996, and friends, i will never forget the way the entire audience literally and ecstatically CHEERED when the dog escaped from the explosion. that dog could have won an election for president with like 95% of the vote in july, 1996

ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.

Welcome to adulthood.

Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.

Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background

Don’t ask me how I know

Hate when the person sitting next to me on the subway notices me shamelessly reading their texts and starts tilting it out of my view like c’mon lemme have a lil read it’s just me c’mon who am I gonna tell it’s only me

Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.

Me: How old am I?

Brain: Give me a minute.

Me: What’s my email password?

Brain: I don’t remember.

Me: Why’d I walk in this room?

Brain: I have no idea.

Me:

Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.

When Batman suddenly arrives and it’s just the shadow of him with glowing white eyes? That’s what I look like to the English muffins when I walk into the kitchen in the morning

Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.

Me: What are you doing?

Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.

Me: I can see you in the mirror.

Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?

Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.