If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
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DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
How was every day in October 36 hours long but the entire month went by in only 4 days. I’m confused.
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
My wife asked me if I have plans for the weekend. It’s like she doesn’t even read my weekly newsletter.
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.