Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:

Other dads:

When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost

What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.

I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.

Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.

Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?

“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”

Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
Marioooooo

Mushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad

GOD: u wanna go back to earth?

JESUS: why

GOD: to absolve man of sin

JESUS: ehh

GOD: you’d get two birthdays

JESUS: let me get my coat

I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.

A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.

My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.

freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later

yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in

a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist

Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to

Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!

Wife: Talk to him

Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition

My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.

*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*

‘Sup

I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries

friend: should i have kids?

me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.

We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us

If you’re faking your own death don’t use Google. They always check your Google searches. Use Bing. That’s what it’s for man.

My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.

sneezy geese carry a honkerchief

sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet

[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you

My 3y/o is the only girl at her small daycare. I was thrilled when she started talking about her new friend Piper and how much they loved to play. Every day for months: Piper this, Piper that.

Finally I asked the daycare lady about maybe scheduling a playdate.

Piper is a cat.

Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff

My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.

My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)

OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE

(one second later)

We’re getting a correction from the brain:

it is the world’s tiniest moth