If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
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my dad has had enough
*gets up from couch after laying on it with eyes closed for 30 minutes*
Me: I’m going to take a nap.
Husband: Wasn’t that just what you were doing?
Me: That was a pre-nap. Time for the real thing.
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
Good morning, Twitter x
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
My kid lost his tooth eating a taco 2 weeks ago and we still haven’t found it.
He swears he didn’t swallow it and that it’s “just hiding.”
Yeah, hiding in the sewer.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Tooth.
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
Me: Clean your room.
Daughter: Won’t
Me: Do your homework.
Daughter: Can’t
Me: I’m taking your phone then.
Daughter: DON’T16 years later & the contractions are still coming every 10 seconds
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
perfect
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
All week the kids have been asking me where the hairbrushes are, I just checked and they’re in the bathroom drawers exactly where they’re supposed to be, which is apparently very confusing for my children
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise