Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[My Wedding]

Me: I do

Guests: Awww

Me: Or do I?

Guests: Ooooo

me: i’ll have the steak

waiter: this is a vegan restaurant

me: ok i’ll have the vegan

I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.

Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…

Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.

Went to cancel a streaming service that was $10.99 a month and they were like “Lol ok you got us how about $2.99?”

Going to spend tomorrow cancelthreatening every service in my life.

Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV

“Don’t tread on me.”

– out-of-order sign on a treadmill

*Werewolf about to eat me*

Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.

2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.

“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”

I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.

Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?

I just walked by my manager, I’m carrying a drill and a fire extinguisher. He just shook his head and kept walking. He doesn’t even ask anymore. That’s growth.

Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]

[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager

wife: what time is it

me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch

you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve

For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.

When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend

the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air

After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”

For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.

edward fingerhands

I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.

forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.

Just shared my screen in a business meeting, and realised that my desktop was showing a google search for “where did Scrooge McDuck get his money?”

[Takes dog to park]

*waits for romantic comedy to begin

Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?

interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.

me: well, which is it?