If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
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Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.