If I had a nickel for every bread pun, I’d have a pun-per-nickel.
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Can we please stop with the travel hack of booking seats on the aisle and window in the hope of having a spare seat in between? As a solo traveller who has now been stuck in between these travel hackers it sucks. Talking over me, passing snacks over me etc. Just sit together.
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight
vampires: what the hell
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
Tonight, Joe Biden’s press conference is make or break. Everyone will be tuned in. It’s all anyone will be paying attention to. So it’s the perfect moment.
I’m going to steal the Declaration of Independence.