If I had a nickel for every bread pun, I’d have a pun-per-nickel.
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There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
My husband in the next room of our small old house trying to store away the unreasonable bounty he brought home from Costco tonight: “I have made errors. Why did I think we had this much room for pancake mix?”
Here’s how I get my teen to text me back: I threaten to text his friends to tell him to text me back.
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[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
if my boxing knowledge is correct, now would be an ideal time to do an elaborate heist at the bellagio casino with a charming gang of rogues
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Petition to lower the retirement age. I’m tired now.
*toweling off sweat from my brow, slamming a Gatorade, deep breath*
“Thank you for holding, were you able to turn it off and back on again?”
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
I use a wheelchair. I carry a copy of a Stephen King book about a murderous clown. I just roll with IT.
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
all bases covered
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.