If I had a nickel for every bread pun, I’d have a pun-per-nickel.
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the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
My documentary ‘I Have Stolen All Your Chairs’ just received a 90 minute standing ovation at Cannes
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
idk what this dog had been going through but same
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
I can turn wine into water about two hours after drinking it
Checkmate Jesus.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.