If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
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Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
Spotted in New Orleans.
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.