Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We’re all still reeling from the events yesterday. Here’s what we know:

-I got an everything bagel w/ chive cream cheese at 10:30am
-I went to the park at 10:39
-I put my bagel down to take a pic of a squirrel I think I’ve met before
-Bagel went missing at 10:40

More info soon.

I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️

I need to babyproof my house.

I’m not having a baby, I’m just extremely clumsy

Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.

huge if true: the moon

Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas

My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.

Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.

sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana

cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you

If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks

Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.

Me: *walks into a door frame*
Husband: Can you do that again? My camera wasn’t on.

there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911

“It was a different time.”

“It was this morning.”

“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”

Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.

HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.

My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.

if you’re in a movie theater fiddling/crinkling with a noisy snack…………………… you need to give up that struggle after 5 min. let it go. put the community before the snack

Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.

They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.

My grandma sailed on the Titanic.

She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”

i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks

It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing

Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.

I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”

Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.

I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong