If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
If feeling embarrassment at past actions means you’ve “grown as a person,” then I grow as a person about every 5 minutes
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
Someone came up to me today, holding a beer, and claimed to be the best ventriloquist in the world. But I think it was the drink talking.
