If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
Me when someone tries to get to know me
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
✌🏽
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
