If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
This made me smile…
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
