If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
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If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
Them: Just act casual
Me:
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
VERY excited to choose the food with the caterer for our wedding soon. it’s the ultimate versionnof my favorite game (looking at a restaurant menu and deciding what i’d like to eat)
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
If they are stale enough you could easily kill two birds with one scone
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.